How England Can Win Euro 2016

England can win Euro 2016 and here is how we could do it:

When I go on holiday to Spain, I don’t like to be stereotyped as a ‘typical Brit’ so I sit at the bar all day in my England shirt and get pissed. That being said, and as patriotic as I am, I have never felt a strong bond with the England football team. I think I’ve been let down too many times to care anymore. Too many penalty misses and sending-offs, wags and hooligans and everything else that goes with England playing in an international tournament.

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And yet, on the eve of our first game of Euro 2016, I find myself getting tempted. Tempted to believe again! Tempted to trust in the Hodge and put my faith in Kane and Vardy. Premier League rivalries drift away and the men in white are no longer associated with their clubs; they represent England. This team, although shaky at the back, might actually have a chance to do something! Although I think we should have left Rooney at home; a barrage of wild shots fired into the crowd is not really what French fans need in the wake of the Paris terrorist attacks.

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I have plotted our path to the final…

THE GROUP STAGE

11-Jun 17:00

(Bordeaux) Wales v Slovakia             1 – 1

Wales lead for 85 minutes after an early Gareth Bale opener, but the Welsh goalkeeper gets distracted after the Slovak fans unfold a giant sheep-shaped flag and Hamsik scores an easy equalizer.

11-Jun 20:00

(Marseille) England v Russia            2 – 1

A boring battle inside the stadium, but a lively one on the streets of Marseille as England’s hooligans clash with Russian nationalists, the police, the Tunisians, the local bar owners and everyone else who ‘wants some’. 35 arrests are made including Peter Crouch.

15-Jun 14:00

(Lille) Russia v Slovakia                     1 – 2

A tense match involving old rivals ends in a narrow victory for the Slovaks. The Russian defense had been drinking potato vodka the night before and couldn’t see properly.

16-Jun 14:00

(Lens) England v Wales                      4 – 0

Wales’s one man band comes unstuck as Gareth Bale gets injured whilst singing the Welsh national anthem too loudly. The sheep-shape flag makes a reappearance and distracts the Welsh team. Theo Walcott runs onto the pitch in his England kit but security drag him away.

20-Jun 20:00

(St Etienne) Slovakia v England         1 – 2

A shaky performance from England after rumors started to spread that John Terry was in France. For safety, all the England players’ wives and girlfriends were put into one big room in a hotel. Nevertheless, England emerge victorious after a late Rashford winner.

20-Jun 20:00

(Toulouse) Russia v Wales                  0 – 1

No sheep flags are shown and Wales get down to business with their first victory of the tournament. Unfortunately it’s not enough to see them through as Slovakia go through on goal difference.

STANDINGS:

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KNOCKOUT STAGE:

25-Jun 17:00

(Paris) England v Romania                 4 – 0

England start to look really good and despite worries about John Terry, hooligans and the fear of penalties, they thrash the poor Romanians who’d looked fairly good in the group stage. The Vardy / Kane partnership works as they both get on the scoresheet, people annoyingly start calling the partnership ‘Kardy’ and even Gary Cahill looks comfortable at the back.

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QUARTER FINAL:

01-Jul 20:00

(Lille) England v Italy                                    0 – 2

The votes back home have been counted and England has decided to leave the EU. Nobody is quite sure how and when it will happen, but Europe is pretty pissed at us for doing it. Some call for England’s expulsion from the competition as a result but the match goes ahead as planned and we come away with a result. Sturridge makes his first appearance as a substitute but falls to the ground clutching his ankle whilst waiting for Kane to leave the field. Rashford scores again but the fame starts to get to him and he screams ‘I am the greatest!” in a post-match interview.

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SEMI FINAL:

06-Jul 20:00

(Lyon) England v Czech Republic     1 – 1 (England win on pens)

Kardy can’t score and Rashford gets sent off for biting, but a late equalizer from Chis Smalling takes the game to Extra Time. England fans stop smashing up French wine bars to watch the most thrilling penalty shootout since Euro 96 and Adam Lallana is hailed as a hero for scoring the winning penalty, despite not touching the ball for the previous hour. England fans go wild after getting into the final and cause more mayhem, prompting German officials to say that they are glad we left the EU.

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THE FINAL:

10-Jul 20:00

(St Denis) England v Germany           1 – 0

Wayne Rooney scores the only goal of the game as England lift the trophy for the first time. A boring match sees England’s defense shut out Ze Germans after England score an early winner; a Rooney volley from outside the box. Roy Hodgson stands with a face like a pitbull chewing a wasp as he takes a leaf from Mourinho’s book as he plays with ten men in our own penalty area. The tactic works and England are triumphant. John Terry pulls on his England kit and runs onto the pitch, pushing Kardy off the podium and lifting the trophy above his head. We did it!

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If only! Who’s gonna win? Let me know in the comments below and please like my Facebook page for more!

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